[ calm and collected, jing yuan has never imagined himself to feel so apprehensive standing outside of dan feng's new accommodations, waiting for the door to swing open and the vidyadhara to greet him. centuries ago, he might have knocked once and barged in anyway, offering the high elder a bright, cheeky smile that would've been so easily forgiven after a full minute of scolding and reminding. now ... well, he'd like to say that he's an adult now.
and adults don't simply barge into people's residences without their permission (save for very specific circumstances, but none of those circumstances apply here).
he waits for a few more seconds before the door swings open, and jing yuan, for a moment, feels like the ebon deer in headlights. but he quickly composes himself, returning the high elder's expression with a faint smile as he follows him inside. it's a small apartment but very quaint, not at all befitting the illustrious high elder of the luofu.
a part of him wonders if he's comfortable here. ]
This Jing Yuan is glad to see you well despite the circumstances, High Elder. Thank you for inviting me to your residence.
[ despite himself, dan feng smiles softly to see him, to hear his voice, though that moment of frozen panic did not escape his notice. ]
I hope that you know that you are welcome here any time.
[ he says quietly, brushing his fingers briefly along jing yuan's sleeve before he seats himself at the low table, gesturing for jing yuan to do the same, if he's comfortable. he hums softly. ]
[ ah, nothing escapes dan feng's sharp eyes, jing yuan thinks. perhaps he's gotten rusty with schooling his expression, or perhaps he's simply slipping now that he's in his old friend's presence. it's very easy to settle into what's familiar, even though much of it has faded away centuries ago, but jing yuan reminds himself that this won't last forever, that they'll eventually return to where they came from.
he takes a seat opposite the vidyadhara, pushing the box he's been holding onto across the table. it's simply but neatly wrapped with wax paper and twine. ]
A gift of tea, something to keep you warm in your new home.
[ the flavors are ordinary, mild even. not at all a special blend or a familiar one where they're from. but jing yuan found them enough to tide the hours and temporarily soothe any heaviness in both his head and his heart. ]
[ dan feng simply knows his cub well, even after so long apart. he's always been able to read jing yuan, though he's made it quite difficult, has grown accustomed to hiding his heart away, hasn't he? the idea makes dan feng's chest ache with regret. this man had been so exuberant, once, so full of warmth and sunlight..
the guilt rips at his insides with icy claws. ]
Thank you, Ah Yuan - it was kind of you to think of me.
[ he pulls the offered box toward him, carefully removing the lid, the scent of tea a comfort, even if it is a bit unfamiliar. ]
I have been.. managing, I suppose. Trying to keep busy. And you?
[ how could he not think of him, jing yuan wants to say, but all he can muster is a smile. an expression of relief that the high elder is managing despite knowing that word is probably something to soften the blow of whatever he's going through. he wants to ask more, probe a bit on what keeps him busy, but he wonders if it's too much to ask.
dan feng is at least trying to reach out, and if anything, it's jing yuan who's only barely reaching back. not because of any kind of grudge or acrimony towards the high elder, but because of shame and discomfort, of embarrassment that dan feng remains kind towards him even though ...
even though he failed him. ]
Ah, I've also been trying to keep busy. This world is very different from the Luofu, lacking of its comforts and of the responsibilities I had.
[ his comfortable bed, his soft pillows, his cat ... ]
Have you had any challenges or difficulties as of late? If there's anything I can do, you only need to ask.
[ it is no real surprise to him that jing yuan has kept his distance. of course he has. dan feng ruined their idyllic lives with his own two hands, shattered their camaraderie, drove them apart and left jing yuan to pick up the pieces. that the man is even willing to be in the same room with him at all is a blessing. jing yuan owes him nothing.
but it still hurts, to know he is here yet to have no contact. even now, dan feng is a selfish man, desiring the closeness of one he no longer deserves.
but he worries for jing yuan, as well. worries that he holds far too much inside, that he does not release the pain and tension that he is holding. if being his emotional punching bag will help to ease jing yuan's aching heart, dan feng will gladly offer himself. ]
.. I have had difficulties, yes, though I am not sure that you would wish to assist me with them.
[ he says softly, setting the box of tea aside for the moment. there are light refreshments on the table - water and a pot of green tea, as well as a small plate of snacks - but dan feng does not reach for them, instead he folds his hands in his lap. ]
There is someone very dear to me here that is out of my reach. He suffers, because of me. I do not know how to begin to ease his pain, when he feels so far from me, but I think.. perhaps it is also what I deserve.
[ jing yuan listens intently and carefully, his expression turning to realization and then understanding. there's one other person from their shared history and world that is present here, one other person that dan feng held dear more than anyone else. he's seen him on the network but has not attempted to reach out, nor does he want to. it's clear that their paths have diverged as have their feelings.
but it's not surprising that dan feng still holds the same kind of affection towards yingxing as he once did. jing yuan just isn't certain if his current person would share the sentiment, knowing his grudges. ]
He ... has been searching for you for so long, High Elder, to finally settle things. Not even Dan Heng could avoid him, many times escaping only by a hair's breadth.
[ jing yuan folds his hands on his lap as well, careful with his words. ]
But you're not wrong that Yingxing, or Ren, as he calls himself now, has been suffering with very little to ease his pain.
[ dan feng pauses, lifting his eyes to jing yuan's face as he listens, and - ah.. he has misunderstood. perhaps he should have been more clear, though the matter of yingxing is always, always a painful subject, and dan feng can't help the way his chest tightens up uncomfortably.
but this is about jing yuan, right now. not about anyone else. ]
.. I was not talking about him.
[ he yearns to reach forward, to take jing yuan's hands in his own and feel their warmth, to give him whatever assurance he needs, assurance that dan feng is not sure that he has the right to give. inhaling deeply, dan feng dips his head in an attempt to catch jing yuan's eyes. ]
I was talking about you.
[ his voice is quiet, uncharacteristically soft, dan feng's ancient pride humbled by his sin, by his time spent in the cold and dark, by the scars gouged into his flesh. ]
jing yuan feels embarrassed for being mistaken, though in his defense, it's easy to assume that dan feng spoke about yingxing. they shared a bond greater than anyone between the high-cloud quintet, their personality easily melding together like they've known each other for centuries. but it's a greater embarrassment to realize that dan feng thinks he's suffering, gleaned his own emotions that he's been doing his best to hide.
perhaps he's become far too complacent in this world, allowing himself to breathe despite the responsibilities suddenly placed onto their shoulders once more.
he offers him a reassuring smile. ]
... High Elder, the only suffering I endured is the work I have to deal with daily back on the Luofu. Without that burden here, it's been quite refreshing.
[ for the most part, that is. he keeps whatever he feels about this entire ordeal close to his heart, still. ]
Rest assured, any pain or soreness I feel from fatigued has been eased the moment I was brought to Karteria.
[ jing yuan smiles for him, but dan feng is anything but reassured. his heart sinks. his beloved lion cub has become so guarded, so distant from him, and it makes his chest tighten up painfully, the knowledge that jing yuan has changed so very much since last they saw one another.
much of it is certainly the weight of the general's mantle, but even still.. ]
.. I see.
[ there can be no hiding dan feng's disappointment, his eyes dropping down to his hands, folded in his lap. he cannot force jing yuan to talk, that would be cruel, and dan feng has lost the privilege he once had when it comes to their closeness, their trust shattered. but even still - ]
I am not blind, Jing Yuan, nor am I foolish enough to believe that everything between us is healthy and normal, that you came out of the sedition unscathed. You were left behind to pick up the pieces of everything that I shattered.
[ dan feng sees through him like he's made of glass, and a part of jing yuan wishes to cower, to curl up into a ball so he isn't seen. he's aware of his shortcomings more than anything else, hidden behind the bravado and self-assurance of the luofu's arbiter-general, and it adds to his exhaustion.
he says nothing for a moment, watches as he once more disappoints the vidyadhara before him. is there anyone in the quintet who didn't see him as such? ]
... A fitting punishment for someone who couldn't even save a single one of you.
[ his inaction failed yingxing, his lack of power failed dan feng, and his inability to offer comfort failed jingliu. picking up the pieces, then, seems like a perfect way to tie up loose ends and start his own path while shackled to the luofu. ]
It's true that none of us escaped the sedition unscathed, but my fate was less severe than what the rest of you had to endure.
[ dan feng was not sure that his heart could break further than it already has, yet jing yuan's words grind painfully against its raw edges, exquisite pain blossoming throughout his chest. ]
Ah Yuan..
[ he says softly, his brow tight. this is progress, at least - jing yuan is spilling his heart, which is what dan feng had wanted, but he had not been prepared for the revelation that jing yuan blames himself. dan feng's hands tighten in his lap. ]
Our salvation was never your responsibility. You were a victim of my reckless arrogance, just as so many others were.
[ his poor, dear boy. all these years he has carried the belief that he had failed them, crushing himself beneath the weight of responsibility that was never his to shoulder. ]
[ jing yuan falls quiet for one long moment, studying the box of tea that's now been set aside.
he's not wrong. it was dan feng's choices that brought them to where they are right now, fractured beyond repair. not once did he blame him or yingxing, their choices very unequivocal, even if they went against the very laws of the xianzhou. but even so, had he tried hard enough, had he intervened as the quintet's strategist, the successor to the divine foresight, then perhaps.
perhaps. ]
What of the sin of indecision, High Elder?
[ he knew. out of all of them, he knew and understood and yet, he kept his mouth shut. jing yuan has his reasons, but they're reasons that others would never understand. ]
All of us had a part in that tragedy, no matter how little.
and then he unfolds from the cushion, moving around the low table to kneel instead at jing yuan's side. he knows how dangerous touch can be in this place, but it is not the first time they've had contact since arriving here, and like as not it won't be the last either. he won't shy away.
reaching, he takes one of jing yuan's hands from his lap, while the other rises to his face, cupping his strong jaw, and turning jing yuan's face toward him. ]
All these years.. have you been whipping yourself over this? Over some perceived responsibility?
[ dan feng's brow knits, his eyes clear. ]
You were a victim of my arrogance, Jing Yuan. Of my foolishness. You could not have saved us from ourselves. I know that you do not want to believe it, and that my words alone cannot change a pattern of thought so ingrained, but.. your guilt is misplaced.
[ jing yuan startles at the touch, no longer used to such intimacies with people. sure, he has never put up walls between himself and others, but he's kept his distance when it comes to physical touches and close contact. of course, there are a few exceptions such as yanqing, though those have always leaned towards fatherly affection and mentorship. but this—
his surprised gaze meets dan feng's before his expression softens and his eyes avert, tinged with guilt, with sheepishness. ]
Whipping myself over it is an overstatement, High Elder ...
[ once more, he feels like the young cloud knight from centuries ago and not the decorated, esteemed general of the xianzhou, needing to explain himself to his master or the high-cloud for an incident he's involved in. ]
But surely, it's a fathomable sentiment when one's left behind.
[ and just like that, jing yuan is young again, his sweet but mischievous young lion cub lieutenant, but that perhaps is not a bad thing. he deserves the freedom to be someone but the general, anyone but the general, to put that weight down and allow himself to feel things properly again.
he does not remove his hands. ]
It is. I cannot blame you for it.
[ surely it was one of the ways that jing yuan coped, how he sorted his feelings in his mind and heart in order to continue moving forward, but.. that he feels guilt over all that happened - dan feng cannot stand for that. jing yuan has already suffered too much over dan feng's transgressions. ]
Ah Yuan.. you are permitted to grieve, to feel angry, or slighted. To feel pain. Here, with me, you can set your burdens down, and be truthful to me, and to yourself.
[ dan feng's gloved thumb smooths over the crest of jing yuan's cheek. ]
[ to be fair, he's not the general of the luofu in karteria. that title has been shed the moment he's been summoned to this world, disconnected from the xianzhou entirely.
but at the same time, jing yuan thinks it's still very unbecoming of him to lose his composure so easily in front of a man he deeply respected. dan feng has always had that effect on him, whether he was still a budding cloud knight soldier studying under jing liu or a decorated lieutenant working under teng xiao. even after centuries of suppressing his own emotions, his duty first before himself, the high elder easily catches him unawares.
even now, he fights the urge to lean against the hand on his cheek, to curl his fingers into his palm. he fights the urge to turn into the hardheaded, strong-willed boy again that fought with yingxing at every opportunity. ]
Any resentment or grief I might've borne in the aftermath of the Sedition has already been soothed after all these years.
[ tucked away somewhere deep, somewhere no one can unearth and unravel before him. a skill learned from being in a position where raw emotions are often debilitating. ]
Your Jing Yuan has already grown up, High Elder. Throwing tantrums is something I had to move beyond a few years after everyone's ... departure. After all, there's no one else who would indulge me anymore.
[ dan feng's heart squeezes painfully in his chest, the grief within threatening to swallow him whole.
he has done so much damage. so much irrevocable damage. jing yuan had been abandoned in the wake of dan feng's sins, and anything that he is able to offer now.. is far too little, far too late. pain flashes behind dan feng's luminous eyes for a moment before he swallows it down; he will not burden jing yuan any further than he already has. is there no way to get through to him? no way to make him understand? ]
.. feeling your emotions is not throwing a tantrum, Jing Yuan. You should be wise enough by now to understand the difference.
[ it was the quintet who taught dan feng this valuable lesson to begin with, the first people in his life who allowed him to be himself, to feel his feelings, to be a person. he withdraws his hands at last, heart aching, heavy as a stone in his chest. jing yuan has chosen to keep him at arms' length, to build a wall between them, and that, he supposes, is.. just as well. surely it is what dan feng deserves. it is foolish to think that he could reconnect after so thoroughly destroying everything that they loved. ]
I am sorry. Sorry for everything. [ he says softly, making to stand again. ] But apologies are as a breath in a hurricane. I will not inconvenience you any longer.
[ that wasn't what he meant, but it's clear that there's a disconnect between them now, between the words they speak and the thoughts they want to convey.
this isn't how jing yuan imagined their reunion to be, though to be fair, he's never imagined their reunion at all. dan heng's return to the luofu is one thing; that has elio's strings wrapped around it like marionette, each scenario carefully crafted to allow the young vidyadhara to awaken his powers. but this is different, this has caught him by surprise that his instinct is to keep everything close to his chest until he's figured it all out.
his expression falls when dan feng, misunderstanding him, draws away, a strong instinctive tug pushing his hand to reach out. fingers curl around the hem of the vidyadhara's sleeve, almost like a lost child seeking guidance. ]
You have nothing to apologize for, High Elder. I have never once blamed you for making the choice anyone would've made in their grief and despair.
[ baiheng's loss was devastating to all of them, but more so to those who loved and cherished her deeply, who held her close to their hearts. it's a very human instinct to bargain for her return, even if it went against every logic and belief of the xianzhou, even if it had disastrous consequences.
it's one of the foundations of the sanctus despite what everyone says. ]
You too were suffering, something in my youth I could not ease or soothe. We all loved Baiheng, but no one cherished her more deeply than Master, Yingxing and you.
[ genuine surprise flickers across his face when jing yuan snags his sleeve, and dan feng's brow tightens, his eyes searching. he pauses, listens, and for a moment he is quiet before he settles himself down again, on the cushion beside jing yuan. a little thread of warm relief runs through him, though it brings guilt along with it, like a stone tied heavily to its end - he does not deserve jing yuan's kindness, his closeness, dan feng had only wanted him to understand how sorry he is, and that it's all right for him to be angry.
selfishly, he wants more. he wants to hold him, to run his fingers through jing yuan's hair and soothe his pains, to feel loved by him again. ah, even now, he is a covetous creature. ]
.. I am glad to see that Ah Yuan has kept the kindness in his heart.
[ he says softly, settling his hands into his lap again, staring down at them for a moment before summoning the courage to look up toward him once more, meeting his eyes. ]
Of course you never blamed me, even if you should have, but I..
[ his brow tightens. ]
.. my grief is no excuse.
[ he had desecrated baiheng's spirit and memory, had brought about the massacre of his own people, something for which he can never forgive himself. jing yuan may excuse him, but what of the angry dead? the lives lost? changed? the waves of grief that rippled out from the epicenter of his despair? ]
[ the same human that every single one of them in the quintet saw. dan feng wasn't simply the unfeeling and aloof high elder of the vidyadhara, praised and revered for his power and wisdom. he, too, bore a heart that's weighed down by his duty, his love for his own people.
and it's that understanding why jing yuan has never blamed him for his choices, never once questioned him for his reasons. ]
Driven by love and compassion, you made a choice that you thought was the best for everyone in your own way. You tried your best, Feng-ge.
[ even if, in the end, they all became victims of a tragic fate. perhaps it was inevitable; stars like them that burn bright will eventually fall, fire streaking across the sky until it disintegrates.
only he was left to pick up the pieces, to mourn every single one of them. ]
I didn't invite you here so that you might comfort me.
[ he says quietly. dan feng wants to take jing yuan's hand again, but he refrains this time; he's already lost enough of his composure already. perhaps he has gotten through to jing yuan at least a little bit - he's just going to have to be satisfied with that. ]
While I may have had my reasons, I..
[ it still ended in disaster, and death. his people, the people that he was meant to protect, to guide - slaughtered, hundreds of them, by his arrogance and inability to control his despair. that is simply not something that he can forgive himself for. dan feng pulls in a deep breath. ]
Nevertheless, I am glad to be able to see you again. You have grown into a fine man, Jing Yuan.
[ jing yuan wants to argue that no one could've known. no one could've predicted that it would turn tragic, that hundreds of lives would be lost to a misguided, hubristic choice, that the entirety of the luofu would be upended, and he would lose everyone he loved in the process. but the words fail him because he knew.
he knew and didn't say anything about it. didn't do anything at all. which is why he also couldn't blame dan feng, couldn't blame the choices he made. ]
High Elder, you invited me here so I could find peace and respite from my own feelings from seven hundred years ago. But I can see that you also need that peace and respite, even more so than I.
[ it also makes him happy to see dan feng again, their parting having left lingering fractures on his heart that he's only barely cauterized to keep it from hurting. seeing him here, able to speak to him, even if much of their time in karteria had been spent apart, soothes him in some way. ]
I may not be Yingxing or my master, but I would gladly listen to your troubles.
You say that as if you are lesser than they are, in some way.
[ but jing yuan has always felt that way, hasn't he? he had been so young then, he must have always felt as if he had to earn his place in the quintet more than the others had. he speaks as if his meaning to them was somehow lesser. in the end, all he can do is shake his head. ]
Nevertheless.. I cannot in good conscience burden you with anything further than I already have.
between the high elder of the vidyadhara, the sword champion of the xianzhou luofu, the luofu's furnace master and a member of the nameless, he was a simple soldier, someone jingliu picked up and fostered under her wing. compared to their feats, his were ordinary, nothing to write home about.
and so, despite being a member of the high-cloud quintet, there's a part of him that felt like an outsider. someone whose place only existed because of his connection to jingliu.
but jing yuan says nothing more about that, folding his hands on his lap, knowing the kind of can of space worms that would open. he simply smiles and nods, ready to get up from his seat. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
and adults don't simply barge into people's residences without their permission (save for very specific circumstances, but none of those circumstances apply here).
he waits for a few more seconds before the door swings open, and jing yuan, for a moment, feels like the ebon deer in headlights. but he quickly composes himself, returning the high elder's expression with a faint smile as he follows him inside. it's a small apartment but very quaint, not at all befitting the illustrious high elder of the luofu.
a part of him wonders if he's comfortable here. ]
This Jing Yuan is glad to see you well despite the circumstances, High Elder. Thank you for inviting me to your residence.
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I hope that you know that you are welcome here any time.
[ he says quietly, brushing his fingers briefly along jing yuan's sleeve before he seats himself at the low table, gesturing for jing yuan to do the same, if he's comfortable. he hums softly. ]
It's good to see you.
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he takes a seat opposite the vidyadhara, pushing the box he's been holding onto across the table. it's simply but neatly wrapped with wax paper and twine. ]
A gift of tea, something to keep you warm in your new home.
[ the flavors are ordinary, mild even. not at all a special blend or a familiar one where they're from. but jing yuan found them enough to tide the hours and temporarily soothe any heaviness in both his head and his heart. ]
How have you been faring, High Elder?
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the guilt rips at his insides with icy claws. ]
Thank you, Ah Yuan - it was kind of you to think of me.
[ he pulls the offered box toward him, carefully removing the lid, the scent of tea a comfort, even if it is a bit unfamiliar. ]
I have been.. managing, I suppose. Trying to keep busy. And you?
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[ how could he not think of him, jing yuan wants to say, but all he can muster is a smile. an expression of relief that the high elder is managing despite knowing that word is probably something to soften the blow of whatever he's going through. he wants to ask more, probe a bit on what keeps him busy, but he wonders if it's too much to ask.
dan feng is at least trying to reach out, and if anything, it's jing yuan who's only barely reaching back. not because of any kind of grudge or acrimony towards the high elder, but because of shame and discomfort, of embarrassment that dan feng remains kind towards him even though ...
even though he failed him. ]
Ah, I've also been trying to keep busy. This world is very different from the Luofu, lacking of its comforts and of the responsibilities I had.
[ his comfortable bed, his soft pillows, his cat ... ]
Have you had any challenges or difficulties as of late? If there's anything I can do, you only need to ask.
no subject
but it still hurts, to know he is here yet to have no contact. even now, dan feng is a selfish man, desiring the closeness of one he no longer deserves.
but he worries for jing yuan, as well. worries that he holds far too much inside, that he does not release the pain and tension that he is holding. if being his emotional punching bag will help to ease jing yuan's aching heart, dan feng will gladly offer himself. ]
.. I have had difficulties, yes, though I am not sure that you would wish to assist me with them.
[ he says softly, setting the box of tea aside for the moment. there are light refreshments on the table - water and a pot of green tea, as well as a small plate of snacks - but dan feng does not reach for them, instead he folds his hands in his lap. ]
There is someone very dear to me here that is out of my reach. He suffers, because of me. I do not know how to begin to ease his pain, when he feels so far from me, but I think.. perhaps it is also what I deserve.
no subject
but it's not surprising that dan feng still holds the same kind of affection towards yingxing as he once did. jing yuan just isn't certain if his current person would share the sentiment, knowing his grudges. ]
He ... has been searching for you for so long, High Elder, to finally settle things. Not even Dan Heng could avoid him, many times escaping only by a hair's breadth.
[ jing yuan folds his hands on his lap as well, careful with his words. ]
But you're not wrong that Yingxing, or Ren, as he calls himself now, has been suffering with very little to ease his pain.
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but this is about jing yuan, right now. not about anyone else. ]
.. I was not talking about him.
[ he yearns to reach forward, to take jing yuan's hands in his own and feel their warmth, to give him whatever assurance he needs, assurance that dan feng is not sure that he has the right to give. inhaling deeply, dan feng dips his head in an attempt to catch jing yuan's eyes. ]
I was talking about you.
[ his voice is quiet, uncharacteristically soft, dan feng's ancient pride humbled by his sin, by his time spent in the cold and dark, by the scars gouged into his flesh. ]
no subject
jing yuan feels embarrassed for being mistaken, though in his defense, it's easy to assume that dan feng spoke about yingxing. they shared a bond greater than anyone between the high-cloud quintet, their personality easily melding together like they've known each other for centuries. but it's a greater embarrassment to realize that dan feng thinks he's suffering, gleaned his own emotions that he's been doing his best to hide.
perhaps he's become far too complacent in this world, allowing himself to breathe despite the responsibilities suddenly placed onto their shoulders once more.
he offers him a reassuring smile. ]
... High Elder, the only suffering I endured is the work I have to deal with daily back on the Luofu. Without that burden here, it's been quite refreshing.
[ for the most part, that is. he keeps whatever he feels about this entire ordeal close to his heart, still. ]
Rest assured, any pain or soreness I feel from fatigued has been eased the moment I was brought to Karteria.
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much of it is certainly the weight of the general's mantle, but even still.. ]
.. I see.
[ there can be no hiding dan feng's disappointment, his eyes dropping down to his hands, folded in his lap. he cannot force jing yuan to talk, that would be cruel, and dan feng has lost the privilege he once had when it comes to their closeness, their trust shattered. but even still - ]
I am not blind, Jing Yuan, nor am I foolish enough to believe that everything between us is healthy and normal, that you came out of the sedition unscathed. You were left behind to pick up the pieces of everything that I shattered.
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he says nothing for a moment, watches as he once more disappoints the vidyadhara before him. is there anyone in the quintet who didn't see him as such? ]
... A fitting punishment for someone who couldn't even save a single one of you.
[ his inaction failed yingxing, his lack of power failed dan feng, and his inability to offer comfort failed jingliu. picking up the pieces, then, seems like a perfect way to tie up loose ends and start his own path while shackled to the luofu. ]
It's true that none of us escaped the sedition unscathed, but my fate was less severe than what the rest of you had to endure.
no subject
Ah Yuan..
[ he says softly, his brow tight. this is progress, at least - jing yuan is spilling his heart, which is what dan feng had wanted, but he had not been prepared for the revelation that jing yuan blames himself. dan feng's hands tighten in his lap. ]
Our salvation was never your responsibility. You were a victim of my reckless arrogance, just as so many others were.
[ his poor, dear boy. all these years he has carried the belief that he had failed them, crushing himself beneath the weight of responsibility that was never his to shoulder. ]
This is not your sin to bear.
no subject
he's not wrong. it was dan feng's choices that brought them to where they are right now, fractured beyond repair. not once did he blame him or yingxing, their choices very unequivocal, even if they went against the very laws of the xianzhou. but even so, had he tried hard enough, had he intervened as the quintet's strategist, the successor to the divine foresight, then perhaps.
perhaps. ]
What of the sin of indecision, High Elder?
[ he knew. out of all of them, he knew and understood and yet, he kept his mouth shut. jing yuan has his reasons, but they're reasons that others would never understand. ]
All of us had a part in that tragedy, no matter how little.
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and then he unfolds from the cushion, moving around the low table to kneel instead at jing yuan's side. he knows how dangerous touch can be in this place, but it is not the first time they've had contact since arriving here, and like as not it won't be the last either. he won't shy away.
reaching, he takes one of jing yuan's hands from his lap, while the other rises to his face, cupping his strong jaw, and turning jing yuan's face toward him. ]
All these years.. have you been whipping yourself over this? Over some perceived responsibility?
[ dan feng's brow knits, his eyes clear. ]
You were a victim of my arrogance, Jing Yuan. Of my foolishness. You could not have saved us from ourselves. I know that you do not want to believe it, and that my words alone cannot change a pattern of thought so ingrained, but.. your guilt is misplaced.
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his surprised gaze meets dan feng's before his expression softens and his eyes avert, tinged with guilt, with sheepishness. ]
Whipping myself over it is an overstatement, High Elder ...
[ once more, he feels like the young cloud knight from centuries ago and not the decorated, esteemed general of the xianzhou, needing to explain himself to his master or the high-cloud for an incident he's involved in. ]
But surely, it's a fathomable sentiment when one's left behind.
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he does not remove his hands. ]
It is. I cannot blame you for it.
[ surely it was one of the ways that jing yuan coped, how he sorted his feelings in his mind and heart in order to continue moving forward, but.. that he feels guilt over all that happened - dan feng cannot stand for that. jing yuan has already suffered too much over dan feng's transgressions. ]
Ah Yuan.. you are permitted to grieve, to feel angry, or slighted. To feel pain. Here, with me, you can set your burdens down, and be truthful to me, and to yourself.
[ dan feng's gloved thumb smooths over the crest of jing yuan's cheek. ]
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but at the same time, jing yuan thinks it's still very unbecoming of him to lose his composure so easily in front of a man he deeply respected. dan feng has always had that effect on him, whether he was still a budding cloud knight soldier studying under jing liu or a decorated lieutenant working under teng xiao. even after centuries of suppressing his own emotions, his duty first before himself, the high elder easily catches him unawares.
even now, he fights the urge to lean against the hand on his cheek, to curl his fingers into his palm. he fights the urge to turn into the hardheaded, strong-willed boy again that fought with yingxing at every opportunity. ]
Any resentment or grief I might've borne in the aftermath of the Sedition has already been soothed after all these years.
[ tucked away somewhere deep, somewhere no one can unearth and unravel before him. a skill learned from being in a position where raw emotions are often debilitating. ]
Your Jing Yuan has already grown up, High Elder. Throwing tantrums is something I had to move beyond a few years after everyone's ... departure. After all, there's no one else who would indulge me anymore.
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he has done so much damage. so much irrevocable damage. jing yuan had been abandoned in the wake of dan feng's sins, and anything that he is able to offer now.. is far too little, far too late. pain flashes behind dan feng's luminous eyes for a moment before he swallows it down; he will not burden jing yuan any further than he already has. is there no way to get through to him? no way to make him understand? ]
.. feeling your emotions is not throwing a tantrum, Jing Yuan. You should be wise enough by now to understand the difference.
[ it was the quintet who taught dan feng this valuable lesson to begin with, the first people in his life who allowed him to be himself, to feel his feelings, to be a person. he withdraws his hands at last, heart aching, heavy as a stone in his chest. jing yuan has chosen to keep him at arms' length, to build a wall between them, and that, he supposes, is.. just as well. surely it is what dan feng deserves. it is foolish to think that he could reconnect after so thoroughly destroying everything that they loved. ]
I am sorry. Sorry for everything. [ he says softly, making to stand again. ] But apologies are as a breath in a hurricane. I will not inconvenience you any longer.
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this isn't how jing yuan imagined their reunion to be, though to be fair, he's never imagined their reunion at all. dan heng's return to the luofu is one thing; that has elio's strings wrapped around it like marionette, each scenario carefully crafted to allow the young vidyadhara to awaken his powers. but this is different, this has caught him by surprise that his instinct is to keep everything close to his chest until he's figured it all out.
his expression falls when dan feng, misunderstanding him, draws away, a strong instinctive tug pushing his hand to reach out. fingers curl around the hem of the vidyadhara's sleeve, almost like a lost child seeking guidance. ]
You have nothing to apologize for, High Elder. I have never once blamed you for making the choice anyone would've made in their grief and despair.
[ baiheng's loss was devastating to all of them, but more so to those who loved and cherished her deeply, who held her close to their hearts. it's a very human instinct to bargain for her return, even if it went against every logic and belief of the xianzhou, even if it had disastrous consequences.
it's one of the foundations of the sanctus despite what everyone says. ]
You too were suffering, something in my youth I could not ease or soothe. We all loved Baiheng, but no one cherished her more deeply than Master, Yingxing and you.
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selfishly, he wants more. he wants to hold him, to run his fingers through jing yuan's hair and soothe his pains, to feel loved by him again. ah, even now, he is a covetous creature. ]
.. I am glad to see that Ah Yuan has kept the kindness in his heart.
[ he says softly, settling his hands into his lap again, staring down at them for a moment before summoning the courage to look up toward him once more, meeting his eyes. ]
Of course you never blamed me, even if you should have, but I..
[ his brow tightens. ]
.. my grief is no excuse.
[ he had desecrated baiheng's spirit and memory, had brought about the massacre of his own people, something for which he can never forgive himself. jing yuan may excuse him, but what of the angry dead? the lives lost? changed? the waves of grief that rippled out from the epicenter of his despair? ]
Still. I miss her even now.
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[ the same human that every single one of them in the quintet saw. dan feng wasn't simply the unfeeling and aloof high elder of the vidyadhara, praised and revered for his power and wisdom. he, too, bore a heart that's weighed down by his duty, his love for his own people.
and it's that understanding why jing yuan has never blamed him for his choices, never once questioned him for his reasons. ]
Driven by love and compassion, you made a choice that you thought was the best for everyone in your own way. You tried your best, Feng-ge.
[ even if, in the end, they all became victims of a tragic fate. perhaps it was inevitable; stars like them that burn bright will eventually fall, fire streaking across the sky until it disintegrates.
only he was left to pick up the pieces, to mourn every single one of them. ]
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I didn't invite you here so that you might comfort me.
[ he says quietly. dan feng wants to take jing yuan's hand again, but he refrains this time; he's already lost enough of his composure already. perhaps he has gotten through to jing yuan at least a little bit - he's just going to have to be satisfied with that. ]
While I may have had my reasons, I..
[ it still ended in disaster, and death. his people, the people that he was meant to protect, to guide - slaughtered, hundreds of them, by his arrogance and inability to control his despair. that is simply not something that he can forgive himself for. dan feng pulls in a deep breath. ]
Nevertheless, I am glad to be able to see you again. You have grown into a fine man, Jing Yuan.
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he knew and didn't say anything about it. didn't do anything at all. which is why he also couldn't blame dan feng, couldn't blame the choices he made. ]
High Elder, you invited me here so I could find peace and respite from my own feelings from seven hundred years ago. But I can see that you also need that peace and respite, even more so than I.
[ it also makes him happy to see dan feng again, their parting having left lingering fractures on his heart that he's only barely cauterized to keep it from hurting. seeing him here, able to speak to him, even if much of their time in karteria had been spent apart, soothes him in some way. ]
I may not be Yingxing or my master, but I would gladly listen to your troubles.
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You say that as if you are lesser than they are, in some way.
[ but jing yuan has always felt that way, hasn't he? he had been so young then, he must have always felt as if he had to earn his place in the quintet more than the others had. he speaks as if his meaning to them was somehow lesser. in the end, all he can do is shake his head. ]
Nevertheless.. I cannot in good conscience burden you with anything further than I already have.
[ jing yuan has borne enough on his behalf. ]
I suppose it is time that I prepare that tea.
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between the high elder of the vidyadhara, the sword champion of the xianzhou luofu, the luofu's furnace master and a member of the nameless, he was a simple soldier, someone jingliu picked up and fostered under her wing. compared to their feats, his were ordinary, nothing to write home about.
and so, despite being a member of the high-cloud quintet, there's a part of him that felt like an outsider. someone whose place only existed because of his connection to jingliu.
but jing yuan says nothing more about that, folding his hands on his lap, knowing the kind of can of space worms that would open. he simply smiles and nods, ready to get up from his seat. ]
Let me help you, High Elder.
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