[ genuine surprise flickers across his face when jing yuan snags his sleeve, and dan feng's brow tightens, his eyes searching. he pauses, listens, and for a moment he is quiet before he settles himself down again, on the cushion beside jing yuan. a little thread of warm relief runs through him, though it brings guilt along with it, like a stone tied heavily to its end - he does not deserve jing yuan's kindness, his closeness, dan feng had only wanted him to understand how sorry he is, and that it's all right for him to be angry.
selfishly, he wants more. he wants to hold him, to run his fingers through jing yuan's hair and soothe his pains, to feel loved by him again. ah, even now, he is a covetous creature. ]
.. I am glad to see that Ah Yuan has kept the kindness in his heart.
[ he says softly, settling his hands into his lap again, staring down at them for a moment before summoning the courage to look up toward him once more, meeting his eyes. ]
Of course you never blamed me, even if you should have, but I..
[ his brow tightens. ]
.. my grief is no excuse.
[ he had desecrated baiheng's spirit and memory, had brought about the massacre of his own people, something for which he can never forgive himself. jing yuan may excuse him, but what of the angry dead? the lives lost? changed? the waves of grief that rippled out from the epicenter of his despair? ]
[ the same human that every single one of them in the quintet saw. dan feng wasn't simply the unfeeling and aloof high elder of the vidyadhara, praised and revered for his power and wisdom. he, too, bore a heart that's weighed down by his duty, his love for his own people.
and it's that understanding why jing yuan has never blamed him for his choices, never once questioned him for his reasons. ]
Driven by love and compassion, you made a choice that you thought was the best for everyone in your own way. You tried your best, Feng-ge.
[ even if, in the end, they all became victims of a tragic fate. perhaps it was inevitable; stars like them that burn bright will eventually fall, fire streaking across the sky until it disintegrates.
only he was left to pick up the pieces, to mourn every single one of them. ]
I didn't invite you here so that you might comfort me.
[ he says quietly. dan feng wants to take jing yuan's hand again, but he refrains this time; he's already lost enough of his composure already. perhaps he has gotten through to jing yuan at least a little bit - he's just going to have to be satisfied with that. ]
While I may have had my reasons, I..
[ it still ended in disaster, and death. his people, the people that he was meant to protect, to guide - slaughtered, hundreds of them, by his arrogance and inability to control his despair. that is simply not something that he can forgive himself for. dan feng pulls in a deep breath. ]
Nevertheless, I am glad to be able to see you again. You have grown into a fine man, Jing Yuan.
[ jing yuan wants to argue that no one could've known. no one could've predicted that it would turn tragic, that hundreds of lives would be lost to a misguided, hubristic choice, that the entirety of the luofu would be upended, and he would lose everyone he loved in the process. but the words fail him because he knew.
he knew and didn't say anything about it. didn't do anything at all. which is why he also couldn't blame dan feng, couldn't blame the choices he made. ]
High Elder, you invited me here so I could find peace and respite from my own feelings from seven hundred years ago. But I can see that you also need that peace and respite, even more so than I.
[ it also makes him happy to see dan feng again, their parting having left lingering fractures on his heart that he's only barely cauterized to keep it from hurting. seeing him here, able to speak to him, even if much of their time in karteria had been spent apart, soothes him in some way. ]
I may not be Yingxing or my master, but I would gladly listen to your troubles.
You say that as if you are lesser than they are, in some way.
[ but jing yuan has always felt that way, hasn't he? he had been so young then, he must have always felt as if he had to earn his place in the quintet more than the others had. he speaks as if his meaning to them was somehow lesser. in the end, all he can do is shake his head. ]
Nevertheless.. I cannot in good conscience burden you with anything further than I already have.
between the high elder of the vidyadhara, the sword champion of the xianzhou luofu, the luofu's furnace master and a member of the nameless, he was a simple soldier, someone jingliu picked up and fostered under her wing. compared to their feats, his were ordinary, nothing to write home about.
and so, despite being a member of the high-cloud quintet, there's a part of him that felt like an outsider. someone whose place only existed because of his connection to jingliu.
but jing yuan says nothing more about that, folding his hands on his lap, knowing the kind of can of space worms that would open. he simply smiles and nods, ready to get up from his seat. ]
[ he wants to argue that jing yuan is his guest, that he does not need to concern himself with preparing tea - it's not as if it's an arduous task - but he's too tired to argue any further, and can guess easily enough that jing yuan would still insist.
so dan feng nods, unfolding himself from his seat to stand again. ]
We will do it together.
[ plucking up the box of tea that jing yuan brought, dan feng disappears into the tiny kitchen. ]
[ dan feng doesn't need to say anything out loud, but jing yuan can sense his reluctance in the offer, only offset by exhaustion. for a moment, he briefly considers taking it back and simply remaining in his seat like an obedient guest, letting the vidyadhara prepare tea by himself. it's ... certainly a side of dan feng he's never once seen before, at least never when he still indulged him so long ago.
right now, he's no longer the young cloud knight lieutenant who once clamored for his attention, appealed for his affection. he's the man who read his sentence, who watched helplessly as he was forced back into his egg.
jing yuan trails after dan feng into the kitchen, careful to maintain proper distance from the once-high elder. it's tiny and cramped, very much unlike his old residence on the luofu. ]
I'll fetch the cups, High Elder.
[ it'll keep him busy too, searching through his cupboards for the elusive teacups. ]
[ dan fend is certainly proud of the man that jing yuan has become - strong and dedicated, still kind and warm - but in truth, he misses the little lion cub that he once was. jing yuan is almost too strong, shouldering far too much weight, so much so that he cannot even allow himself the weakness of admitting that he might still be hurting. might still be mourning.
perhaps in attempting to convince dan heng, he is also bolstering himself, but of course.. everyone must grow up, someday. dan feng only wishes that he had not forced it.
tail flicking behind him, dan feng begins to prepare the water. ]
[ jing yuan pauses from his search to glance at the vidyadhara, trying to recall the tea in the box. ]
Nothing specific, I would recommend that you select one blindly and see if it's to your taste.
[ this is now a game of russian roulette with tea, something that might have earned him a tap upside the head from jingliu. but most of the flavors in the box are nondescript, nothing too bizarre that would put off the high elder and his tastebuds.
at the very least, he might find it unusual, not at all like the tea they had in the luofu. jing yuan sets down the teacups and fetches a small tray. ]
[ there's no reason not to. it's not as if jing yuan would purposefully bring him anything revolting, so, why not? while the water heats, dan feng picks through the box, frowning thoughtfully down at the little jars full of leaves, eventually selecting one and opening the lid to give it a sniff.
hmm. not absolutely horrible. there's a fruity sort of scent to it, fragrant but mild. he fills the teapot with a scattering of leaves. ]
Ah, yes. Little things, such as working at the cafe.
[ something to keep himself busy and earn money. it's clear that this world doesn't intend to support them, even if they were summoned here to deal with their troubles supposedly. their hosts, while they're in need of their help, trust them very little, an understandable sentiment.
still, jing yuan doesn't mind, the experience of working in customer service very different from what he's used to. if anything, it takes him back to the days when he still served as a soldier, needing to interact with the populace. ]
And you, High Elder?
[ he wonders what dan feng has been up to since their last conversation. ]
[ working at the cafe.. ah, how strange times have become. it's almost cute, imagining jing yuan in a little apron, preparing teas and coffees. ]
I should visit while you are working, sometime.
[ he wants to see barista kitten..
once the water is the correct temperature, dan feng carefully pours it into the teapot, then gently places on the lid and lifts it, carrying it to set it on the tray that jing yuan has prepared. ]
I have been.. managing well enough, I suppose. Taking jobs where I can, though nothing stable as of yet.
You're welcome to come by the cafe, High Elder, though I worry the coffee and tea we serve might not be to your discerning taste.
[ he can't really say that karteria is thriving, but it's certainly managing despite the situation. still, it's not as prosperous as the luofu and dan feng, having lived in privilege for so long until the sedition, has always had very cultured preferences. or has it changed since they've arrived in this place?
jing yuan trails after the vidyadhara back to the living area, waiting for dan feng to settle back down before he follows suit. ]
... Have you considered becoming a healer again? With the current circumstances, your expertise with medicine and healing may be necessary.
It's all right, I have visited the cafe before. It was.. fine.
[ not excellent, or up to the quality that he had grown accustomed to, but what can he expect? besides, it's been centuries since last he tasted fine tea. he's grateful not to be in that terrible prison any longer to begin with, he won't complain about the tea.
well. maybe he will a little. perhaps he should look into growing his own leaves.. hmm. as for jing yuan's suggestion, dan feng considers it as he sets the tea tray down on the table. he settles down comfortably again. ]
Hm. My healing is.. not quite so strong as it once was, but I suppose that is still better than nothing. [ he's not a god anymore, yuan'er. :( ] That is not a terrible idea.
[ he did? jing yuan wonders when it was, why he's never seen him. perhaps the high elder visited during times he wasn't in, missing him altogether. ]
Your healing abilities aside, you also possess extensive knowledge in medicine and medical practices, High Elder.
[ the alchemy commission may have been rooted in seeking the divine medicine for immortality and had been learning towards more biological research, but one can't deny that medical knowledge and practices remain modern and technologically advanced, compared to many civilizations. after all, their healers have been effective enough to send soldiers back to war, even if many doctors advised against it.
even more so dan feng, who once maintained an influential position in the alchemy commission as the vidyadhara's high elder. ]
[ though his cloudhymn abilities may be limited here, his mind is a wealth of information. he doesn't know how much he would have access too here, in terms of medicinal plants and other workable items, but that shouldn't stop him. he can always research what is. after all, what does he have but time?
so dan feng nods, and lifts the teapot to carefully pour for them both. ]
Thank you. I will consider it. [ and then, pushing jing yuan's cup toward him - ] Will you stay with the cafe, or is it merely a jumping off point?
[ staying at the cafe is certainly a more relaxing occupation compared to his time as the luofu's arbiter-general. but he knows that he's more than capable of taking on more responsibilities, even assuming a leadership position in the community. still, there are others who are more than willing to step up to the mantle, and jing yuan is happy to take a step back.
the centuries he's spent as the divine foresight is an exhausting lesson learned already. ]
Returning to duties that bear similarities to those I used to have in the Luofu isn't very tempting at the moment.
[ this is the one break he's always wanted, never mind that his thoughts sometimes trail back to the xianzhou, worries about yanqing, fu xuan and the people he's left behind lingering on the forefront of his mind. ]
[ that's not a bad thing, he thinks. jing yuan has worked very hard for a very long time, he deserves to be able to retire to something gentler, to not have to worry so much about anything but serving his next cup of coffee.
dan feng lifts his teacup, takes a sip. ]
I think that's good. Being a General is an exceedingly heavy burden, and comes with a great deal of work. You've earned this time off.
[ the high elder isn't wrong. he did earn this time off, his very first one in a long, long while. despite this, it doesn't seem as if he's left the luofu at all, finding himself thinking about his responsibilities and the people left behind to assume them, the unresolved problems he's yet to find answers to, the impending conflict that often surrounds the xianzhou.
and yet, jing yuan simply smiles as his fingers curl around his tea cup, its warmth soothing against his skin. ]
General Teng Xiao didn't seem this busy when I was still lieutenant.
[ the man was certainly more inclined towards the brawnier side of being the hunt's vanguard, almost at par with the yaoqing's general. and yet, it feels as if all his work was dumped onto his desk the moment he assumed power.
not that jing yuan blames his commanding officer back then. he knows why anyone would be elsewhere except the seat of divine foresight. ]
Had I known, I would've gleaned his secrets on living carefree.
[ teng xiao was a very busy man, but he was not as proactive as jing yuan, from what whispers and murmurs dan feng heard in the shackling prison. but that comes as no surprise. teng xiao was a capable general, and did his job quite well, but jing yuan possesses a singularly intelligent mind, and a gift for foresight. no doubt he took on far more work than many would have seen as necessary.. and yet, he did it well.
it is no surprise that now, all of these centuries later, he is so very tired. ]
Take what time you have now, then, to do just that.
[ it isn't always easy here in karteria, where crises and disasters seem to always loom, and where even living comfortably is difficult, but he hopes that jing yuan can enjoy his free time nonetheless. ]
[ ah, it must've sound like he was whining. and in a way, he is, having never been able to voice out his complaints from the very minute his promotion had taken effect. he became the general, then, a time when the entirety of the luofu needed stability and strength.
he lowers his gaze to the pale amber liquid in his cup, his thumb tracing its lip. ]
I will. Thank you for your guidance, High Elder.
[ dan feng is kind, has always been. and even now, despite the years between them, he continues to look after him. perhaps whining to him as once he did as a child when inconvenienced or teased is something he should no longer, too. ]
I, too, hope that you're able to find some time for yourself here.
[ jing yuan must learn the difference between whining and simple honesty. he is not a young boy anymore, and discussing the truth of his situation hardly constitutes whining about puffergoat milk. ]
I have found time, yes, but if I am honest, I prefer to be active. I have had more than enough time to myself for a hundred lifetimes.
[ centuries in the frigid solitary confinement of the shackling prison.. was more than enough. he sips his tea again. ]
Thankfully there is no shortage of things to keep me occupied, here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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selfishly, he wants more. he wants to hold him, to run his fingers through jing yuan's hair and soothe his pains, to feel loved by him again. ah, even now, he is a covetous creature. ]
.. I am glad to see that Ah Yuan has kept the kindness in his heart.
[ he says softly, settling his hands into his lap again, staring down at them for a moment before summoning the courage to look up toward him once more, meeting his eyes. ]
Of course you never blamed me, even if you should have, but I..
[ his brow tightens. ]
.. my grief is no excuse.
[ he had desecrated baiheng's spirit and memory, had brought about the massacre of his own people, something for which he can never forgive himself. jing yuan may excuse him, but what of the angry dead? the lives lost? changed? the waves of grief that rippled out from the epicenter of his despair? ]
Still. I miss her even now.
no subject
[ the same human that every single one of them in the quintet saw. dan feng wasn't simply the unfeeling and aloof high elder of the vidyadhara, praised and revered for his power and wisdom. he, too, bore a heart that's weighed down by his duty, his love for his own people.
and it's that understanding why jing yuan has never blamed him for his choices, never once questioned him for his reasons. ]
Driven by love and compassion, you made a choice that you thought was the best for everyone in your own way. You tried your best, Feng-ge.
[ even if, in the end, they all became victims of a tragic fate. perhaps it was inevitable; stars like them that burn bright will eventually fall, fire streaking across the sky until it disintegrates.
only he was left to pick up the pieces, to mourn every single one of them. ]
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I didn't invite you here so that you might comfort me.
[ he says quietly. dan feng wants to take jing yuan's hand again, but he refrains this time; he's already lost enough of his composure already. perhaps he has gotten through to jing yuan at least a little bit - he's just going to have to be satisfied with that. ]
While I may have had my reasons, I..
[ it still ended in disaster, and death. his people, the people that he was meant to protect, to guide - slaughtered, hundreds of them, by his arrogance and inability to control his despair. that is simply not something that he can forgive himself for. dan feng pulls in a deep breath. ]
Nevertheless, I am glad to be able to see you again. You have grown into a fine man, Jing Yuan.
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he knew and didn't say anything about it. didn't do anything at all. which is why he also couldn't blame dan feng, couldn't blame the choices he made. ]
High Elder, you invited me here so I could find peace and respite from my own feelings from seven hundred years ago. But I can see that you also need that peace and respite, even more so than I.
[ it also makes him happy to see dan feng again, their parting having left lingering fractures on his heart that he's only barely cauterized to keep it from hurting. seeing him here, able to speak to him, even if much of their time in karteria had been spent apart, soothes him in some way. ]
I may not be Yingxing or my master, but I would gladly listen to your troubles.
no subject
You say that as if you are lesser than they are, in some way.
[ but jing yuan has always felt that way, hasn't he? he had been so young then, he must have always felt as if he had to earn his place in the quintet more than the others had. he speaks as if his meaning to them was somehow lesser. in the end, all he can do is shake his head. ]
Nevertheless.. I cannot in good conscience burden you with anything further than I already have.
[ jing yuan has borne enough on his behalf. ]
I suppose it is time that I prepare that tea.
no subject
between the high elder of the vidyadhara, the sword champion of the xianzhou luofu, the luofu's furnace master and a member of the nameless, he was a simple soldier, someone jingliu picked up and fostered under her wing. compared to their feats, his were ordinary, nothing to write home about.
and so, despite being a member of the high-cloud quintet, there's a part of him that felt like an outsider. someone whose place only existed because of his connection to jingliu.
but jing yuan says nothing more about that, folding his hands on his lap, knowing the kind of can of space worms that would open. he simply smiles and nods, ready to get up from his seat. ]
Let me help you, High Elder.
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[ he wants to argue that jing yuan is his guest, that he does not need to concern himself with preparing tea - it's not as if it's an arduous task - but he's too tired to argue any further, and can guess easily enough that jing yuan would still insist.
so dan feng nods, unfolding himself from his seat to stand again. ]
We will do it together.
[ plucking up the box of tea that jing yuan brought, dan feng disappears into the tiny kitchen. ]
no subject
right now, he's no longer the young cloud knight lieutenant who once clamored for his attention, appealed for his affection. he's the man who read his sentence, who watched helplessly as he was forced back into his egg.
jing yuan trails after dan feng into the kitchen, careful to maintain proper distance from the once-high elder. it's tiny and cramped, very much unlike his old residence on the luofu. ]
I'll fetch the cups, High Elder.
[ it'll keep him busy too, searching through his cupboards for the elusive teacups. ]
no subject
perhaps in attempting to convince dan heng, he is also bolstering himself, but of course.. everyone must grow up, someday. dan feng only wishes that he had not forced it.
tail flicking behind him, dan feng begins to prepare the water. ]
Which tea do you suggest?
no subject
Nothing specific, I would recommend that you select one blindly and see if it's to your taste.
[ this is now a game of russian roulette with tea, something that might have earned him a tap upside the head from jingliu. but most of the flavors in the box are nondescript, nothing too bizarre that would put off the high elder and his tastebuds.
at the very least, he might find it unusual, not at all like the tea they had in the luofu. jing yuan sets down the teacups and fetches a small tray. ]
no subject
[ there's no reason not to. it's not as if jing yuan would purposefully bring him anything revolting, so, why not? while the water heats, dan feng picks through the box, frowning thoughtfully down at the little jars full of leaves, eventually selecting one and opening the lid to give it a sniff.
hmm. not absolutely horrible. there's a fruity sort of scent to it, fragrant but mild. he fills the teapot with a scattering of leaves. ]
Tell me, Ah Yuan - have you been keeping busy?
[ he's missed his kitten. :( ]
no subject
[ something to keep himself busy and earn money. it's clear that this world doesn't intend to support them, even if they were summoned here to deal with their troubles supposedly. their hosts, while they're in need of their help, trust them very little, an understandable sentiment.
still, jing yuan doesn't mind, the experience of working in customer service very different from what he's used to. if anything, it takes him back to the days when he still served as a soldier, needing to interact with the populace. ]
And you, High Elder?
[ he wonders what dan feng has been up to since their last conversation. ]
no subject
I should visit while you are working, sometime.
[ he wants to see barista kitten..
once the water is the correct temperature, dan feng carefully pours it into the teapot, then gently places on the lid and lifts it, carrying it to set it on the tray that jing yuan has prepared. ]
I have been.. managing well enough, I suppose. Taking jobs where I can, though nothing stable as of yet.
no subject
You're welcome to come by the cafe, High Elder, though I worry the coffee and tea we serve might not be to your discerning taste.
[ he can't really say that karteria is thriving, but it's certainly managing despite the situation. still, it's not as prosperous as the luofu and dan feng, having lived in privilege for so long until the sedition, has always had very cultured preferences. or has it changed since they've arrived in this place?
jing yuan trails after the vidyadhara back to the living area, waiting for dan feng to settle back down before he follows suit. ]
... Have you considered becoming a healer again? With the current circumstances, your expertise with medicine and healing may be necessary.
no subject
[ not excellent, or up to the quality that he had grown accustomed to, but what can he expect? besides, it's been centuries since last he tasted fine tea. he's grateful not to be in that terrible prison any longer to begin with, he won't complain about the tea.
well. maybe he will a little. perhaps he should look into growing his own leaves.. hmm. as for jing yuan's suggestion, dan feng considers it as he sets the tea tray down on the table. he settles down comfortably again. ]
Hm. My healing is.. not quite so strong as it once was, but I suppose that is still better than nothing. [ he's not a god anymore, yuan'er. :( ] That is not a terrible idea.
no subject
Your healing abilities aside, you also possess extensive knowledge in medicine and medical practices, High Elder.
[ the alchemy commission may have been rooted in seeking the divine medicine for immortality and had been learning towards more biological research, but one can't deny that medical knowledge and practices remain modern and technologically advanced, compared to many civilizations. after all, their healers have been effective enough to send soldiers back to war, even if many doctors advised against it.
even more so dan feng, who once maintained an influential position in the alchemy commission as the vidyadhara's high elder. ]
I'm sure many would see it as valuable resource.
no subject
[ though his cloudhymn abilities may be limited here, his mind is a wealth of information. he doesn't know how much he would have access too here, in terms of medicinal plants and other workable items, but that shouldn't stop him. he can always research what is. after all, what does he have but time?
so dan feng nods, and lifts the teapot to carefully pour for them both. ]
Thank you. I will consider it. [ and then, pushing jing yuan's cup toward him - ] Will you stay with the cafe, or is it merely a jumping off point?
no subject
[ staying at the cafe is certainly a more relaxing occupation compared to his time as the luofu's arbiter-general. but he knows that he's more than capable of taking on more responsibilities, even assuming a leadership position in the community. still, there are others who are more than willing to step up to the mantle, and jing yuan is happy to take a step back.
the centuries he's spent as the divine foresight is an exhausting lesson learned already. ]
Returning to duties that bear similarities to those I used to have in the Luofu isn't very tempting at the moment.
[ this is the one break he's always wanted, never mind that his thoughts sometimes trail back to the xianzhou, worries about yanqing, fu xuan and the people he's left behind lingering on the forefront of his mind. ]
no subject
I see.
[ that's not a bad thing, he thinks. jing yuan has worked very hard for a very long time, he deserves to be able to retire to something gentler, to not have to worry so much about anything but serving his next cup of coffee.
dan feng lifts his teacup, takes a sip. ]
I think that's good. Being a General is an exceedingly heavy burden, and comes with a great deal of work. You've earned this time off.
no subject
and yet, jing yuan simply smiles as his fingers curl around his tea cup, its warmth soothing against his skin. ]
General Teng Xiao didn't seem this busy when I was still lieutenant.
[ the man was certainly more inclined towards the brawnier side of being the hunt's vanguard, almost at par with the yaoqing's general. and yet, it feels as if all his work was dumped onto his desk the moment he assumed power.
not that jing yuan blames his commanding officer back then. he knows why anyone would be elsewhere except the seat of divine foresight. ]
Had I known, I would've gleaned his secrets on living carefree.
no subject
[ teng xiao was a very busy man, but he was not as proactive as jing yuan, from what whispers and murmurs dan feng heard in the shackling prison. but that comes as no surprise. teng xiao was a capable general, and did his job quite well, but jing yuan possesses a singularly intelligent mind, and a gift for foresight. no doubt he took on far more work than many would have seen as necessary.. and yet, he did it well.
it is no surprise that now, all of these centuries later, he is so very tired. ]
Take what time you have now, then, to do just that.
[ it isn't always easy here in karteria, where crises and disasters seem to always loom, and where even living comfortably is difficult, but he hopes that jing yuan can enjoy his free time nonetheless. ]
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he lowers his gaze to the pale amber liquid in his cup, his thumb tracing its lip. ]
I will. Thank you for your guidance, High Elder.
[ dan feng is kind, has always been. and even now, despite the years between them, he continues to look after him. perhaps whining to him as once he did as a child when inconvenienced or teased is something he should no longer, too. ]
I, too, hope that you're able to find some time for yourself here.
no subject
I have found time, yes, but if I am honest, I prefer to be active. I have had more than enough time to myself for a hundred lifetimes.
[ centuries in the frigid solitary confinement of the shackling prison.. was more than enough. he sips his tea again. ]
Thankfully there is no shortage of things to keep me occupied, here.