Indeed.. [ many, and many more. the two of them are not immune. ] The wound is closed, I am only waiting for the scar to fade.
[ his cut deep. very deep. it will be some time until the word fades entirely, even with the application of cloudhymn and healing creams. jing yuan's gentle smile makes his chest tighten, and dan feng sighs softly, drawing his hand away to clasp them both together over his abdomen. ]
Jing Yuan, I -
[ he starts, then presses his lips together, a crease in his brow. where to begin? his voice softens. ]
I know that you would prefer to avoid me, but I.. I can no longer accept that. Perhaps I am still as selfish as I have always been, but knowing you are here, yet not seeing you or speaking with you - that's not something that I can endure any longer.
this may just be the first time he's seen dan feng hesitant, uncertain. the once-high elder had always been proud, a towering symbol of power and authority over the vidyadhara. but here, in front of him, he's pulling away, his words carefully selected and constructed. it pains jing yuan to see him like this, so unlike the dan feng he's known. ]
High Elder.
[ he takes a step closer, his hands hovering close to dan feng's arms but not touching. ]
I could see that my presence hurts you, that you would look at me and an expression of sadness would settle on your face. [ regret, sorrow, despair. ] I didn't want to inflict you further hurt.
[ when jing yuan steps closer, rather than further away, dan feng feels a small sliver of relief lessen in the knot around his heart. those hands reach for him, but do not touch, so dan feng takes the initiative to meet him the rest of the way, folding his hands over jing yuan's and squeezing lightly. even through his gloves, he can feel the warmth kindling from their bond. it soothes. ]
Things have been done that cannot be undone. What I've done has hurt us both in ways that do not easily heal, if ever.
[ to act as if the blow he dealt them all was not devastating would be disingenuous. he will not look away from his sin. ]
There can be no changing that. But being apart from you is far, far more painful than anything your presence could make me feel. There is no torment that the Shackling Prison could inflict that would rival the ache of being apart from my chosen family. From you, Ah Yuan.
[ it's far more candid than dan feng would ever have been all those years ago - he always preferred to show his love, rather than tell - but too much has changed, and so very much is at stake, even now. ]
[ jing yuan doesn't argue that. he understands what dan feng is saying, that the events of the sedition and its consequences cannot be undone. even after seven hundred years, the luofu is internally plagued by issues that have arisen from its instability all those centuries ago.
and jing yuan didn't simply lose one person that day. death wasn't the only loss he had experienced.
the gnawing yearning that's plagued him for the last few weeks had silenced itself the moment dan feng touched his hands, his warmth felt even through the gloves he wore. his fingers close around him, a little less hesitant than before.
his expression softens, his lips tugging into a slight smile. a slight tease. ]
You shouldn't have said that you wouldn't force your presence on me, then.
[ he says, slightly testy. he might be humbled, but he's still proud, in his way, and being openly corrected makes him bristle, even when it's jing yuan. but he doesn't release his hold on those hands, only threads their fingers together instead. ]
And it is precisely why I am here, after all. To rectify that misstep.
[ a soft sigh passes his lips, and dan feng shakes his head. ]
You are too dear for me to give up, even for your own well being.
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no subject
[ his cut deep. very deep. it will be some time until the word fades entirely, even with the application of cloudhymn and healing creams. jing yuan's gentle smile makes his chest tighten, and dan feng sighs softly, drawing his hand away to clasp them both together over his abdomen. ]
Jing Yuan, I -
[ he starts, then presses his lips together, a crease in his brow. where to begin? his voice softens. ]
I know that you would prefer to avoid me, but I.. I can no longer accept that. Perhaps I am still as selfish as I have always been, but knowing you are here, yet not seeing you or speaking with you - that's not something that I can endure any longer.
no subject
this may just be the first time he's seen dan feng hesitant, uncertain. the once-high elder had always been proud, a towering symbol of power and authority over the vidyadhara. but here, in front of him, he's pulling away, his words carefully selected and constructed. it pains jing yuan to see him like this, so unlike the dan feng he's known. ]
High Elder.
[ he takes a step closer, his hands hovering close to dan feng's arms but not touching. ]
I could see that my presence hurts you, that you would look at me and an expression of sadness would settle on your face. [ regret, sorrow, despair. ] I didn't want to inflict you further hurt.
no subject
Things have been done that cannot be undone. What I've done has hurt us both in ways that do not easily heal, if ever.
[ to act as if the blow he dealt them all was not devastating would be disingenuous. he will not look away from his sin. ]
There can be no changing that. But being apart from you is far, far more painful than anything your presence could make me feel. There is no torment that the Shackling Prison could inflict that would rival the ache of being apart from my chosen family. From you, Ah Yuan.
[ it's far more candid than dan feng would ever have been all those years ago - he always preferred to show his love, rather than tell - but too much has changed, and so very much is at stake, even now. ]
no subject
and jing yuan didn't simply lose one person that day. death wasn't the only loss he had experienced.
the gnawing yearning that's plagued him for the last few weeks had silenced itself the moment dan feng touched his hands, his warmth felt even through the gloves he wore. his fingers close around him, a little less hesitant than before.
his expression softens, his lips tugging into a slight smile. a slight tease. ]
You shouldn't have said that you wouldn't force your presence on me, then.
no subject
[ he says, slightly testy. he might be humbled, but he's still proud, in his way, and being openly corrected makes him bristle, even when it's jing yuan. but he doesn't release his hold on those hands, only threads their fingers together instead. ]
And it is precisely why I am here, after all. To rectify that misstep.
[ a soft sigh passes his lips, and dan feng shakes his head. ]
You are too dear for me to give up, even for your own well being.