[ so much for not forcing your presence, high elder!!
but jing yuan instinctively takes a step back, knowing that the vidyadhara isn't one to let anyone get in his way once he's made up his mind to doing something. and in this case, that's walking into jing yuan's residence without another word of acknowledgement or even a request for an invitation. then again, it isn't as if he's about to deny him entrance in any way.
jing yuan closes the door behind him, turning to look at his friend. it's a small residence, sparsely but comfortably furnished, enough to get him by with what he's earning from the cafe. ]
Had I known, I would have assured you that I was fine, High Elder ...
[ except for the, well, scarring on his face, but that's beside the point. ]
[ dan feng is curious about his little residence, but jing yuan comes first. setting the parcel down on the nearest available surface, dan feng turns to him again, folding his arms in front of him. though their time apart has not been terribly long, dan feng has still missed his face, his gentle eyes that hide a great deal. ]
jing yuan says nothing for a moment, unable to find the words to respond to dan feng's pointed criticism. the man has always seen through him as if he's made of glass, even through the layers of defenses he's placed around him. or is it perhaps these defenses simply fall apart around him, so flimsy in the face of the high elder's stern and uncompromising expression?
he presses his lips together, shifting his gaze away from dan feng. a part of him almost wonders if he'd get away with petulance, but another part of him persuades him not to test it out. ]
I know that you have wished to avoid me, but I.. can no longer grant that wish for you. I do not have the strength, nor the selflessness.
[ he cares too much for jing yuan, cannot bring himself to waste what time they have together here, when it could be so very brief. dan feng, even now, is perhaps too selfish to let him go. ]
[ it was dan feng who declared that he would not impose his presence on jing yuan, who decided that they were better off entirely disconnected. and while jing yuan had felt like his heart had just been torn out of his chest a second time, the world's imprinting scheme meddling with what are neatly-bound feelings, he respected the high elder enough to acquiesce to his wishes.
once more, he shifts his eyes, schooling his expression. ]
Nonetheless, it comforts me to see you again, High Elder, circumstances aside. [ his gaze flickers to the vidyadhara's face, sighing. ] Your face ...
[ jing yuan schools his expression, and dan feng sighs softly. yes, it was he who declared it, but only under the belief that jing yuan did not wish to be close with him, that jing yuan was avoiding him - he is here to rectify his foolish mistake, unwilling to sacrifice what time they have left. anything could happen, at any time. he needs to get his priorities in order.
they both do.
so dan feng approaches, though he lifts a hand instinctively to brush his fingertips along the edge of his bandage. ]
It is nothing you need to worry about. I'm healed. I would simply rather it not be seen. It would seem that you suffered the same.
[ jing yuan stiffens when dan feng reaches a hand, cool fingertips brushing against his cheek. the sensation is fleeting, however, the high elder clearly concerned about the bandage instead. understandable, the last time he must've seen him injured is over seven hundred years ago when he still served as a soldier.
he softly smiles. ]
An ailment that seems to affect many.
[ he's seen a few natives with their own brand on their cheek before they fled into their own homes, just as ashamed by the writing. it isn't shame that jing yuan keeps his hidden, but the desire not to be asked about it. ]
I'm glad to hear that yours is healed, High Elder.
Indeed.. [ many, and many more. the two of them are not immune. ] The wound is closed, I am only waiting for the scar to fade.
[ his cut deep. very deep. it will be some time until the word fades entirely, even with the application of cloudhymn and healing creams. jing yuan's gentle smile makes his chest tighten, and dan feng sighs softly, drawing his hand away to clasp them both together over his abdomen. ]
Jing Yuan, I -
[ he starts, then presses his lips together, a crease in his brow. where to begin? his voice softens. ]
I know that you would prefer to avoid me, but I.. I can no longer accept that. Perhaps I am still as selfish as I have always been, but knowing you are here, yet not seeing you or speaking with you - that's not something that I can endure any longer.
this may just be the first time he's seen dan feng hesitant, uncertain. the once-high elder had always been proud, a towering symbol of power and authority over the vidyadhara. but here, in front of him, he's pulling away, his words carefully selected and constructed. it pains jing yuan to see him like this, so unlike the dan feng he's known. ]
High Elder.
[ he takes a step closer, his hands hovering close to dan feng's arms but not touching. ]
I could see that my presence hurts you, that you would look at me and an expression of sadness would settle on your face. [ regret, sorrow, despair. ] I didn't want to inflict you further hurt.
[ when jing yuan steps closer, rather than further away, dan feng feels a small sliver of relief lessen in the knot around his heart. those hands reach for him, but do not touch, so dan feng takes the initiative to meet him the rest of the way, folding his hands over jing yuan's and squeezing lightly. even through his gloves, he can feel the warmth kindling from their bond. it soothes. ]
Things have been done that cannot be undone. What I've done has hurt us both in ways that do not easily heal, if ever.
[ to act as if the blow he dealt them all was not devastating would be disingenuous. he will not look away from his sin. ]
There can be no changing that. But being apart from you is far, far more painful than anything your presence could make me feel. There is no torment that the Shackling Prison could inflict that would rival the ache of being apart from my chosen family. From you, Ah Yuan.
[ it's far more candid than dan feng would ever have been all those years ago - he always preferred to show his love, rather than tell - but too much has changed, and so very much is at stake, even now. ]
[ jing yuan doesn't argue that. he understands what dan feng is saying, that the events of the sedition and its consequences cannot be undone. even after seven hundred years, the luofu is internally plagued by issues that have arisen from its instability all those centuries ago.
and jing yuan didn't simply lose one person that day. death wasn't the only loss he had experienced.
the gnawing yearning that's plagued him for the last few weeks had silenced itself the moment dan feng touched his hands, his warmth felt even through the gloves he wore. his fingers close around him, a little less hesitant than before.
his expression softens, his lips tugging into a slight smile. a slight tease. ]
You shouldn't have said that you wouldn't force your presence on me, then.
[ he says, slightly testy. he might be humbled, but he's still proud, in his way, and being openly corrected makes him bristle, even when it's jing yuan. but he doesn't release his hold on those hands, only threads their fingers together instead. ]
And it is precisely why I am here, after all. To rectify that misstep.
[ a soft sigh passes his lips, and dan feng shakes his head. ]
You are too dear for me to give up, even for your own well being.
[ jing yuan knows that displeased tone anywhere, knows that dan feng isn't too keen with being criticized or called out even when he's in the wrong. at the end of the day, he hasn't changed much despite mellowing down after the events of the sedition.
he gently squeezes his hands, fingers curling into the back of dan feng's palms. ]
What of your own well being, High Elder?
[ if his presence causes him so much pain, if seeing him forces him to relive painful memories, then jing yuan prefers otherwise. dan feng, too, is very precious and dear to him that he would rather not let his beloved friend suffer. ]
[ no, he doesn't enjoy being criticized even now, even when he knows that he deserves it; old habits die hard. dragons are not easily changed, eternal as their souls may be. but the squeeze of jing yuan's hands placates him, and dan heng hums, content.
content, until jing yuan continues speaking, at least. ]
Your absence is more painful still, Ah Yuan.
[ dan feng's eyes meet jing yuan's, and he steps in nearer, tipping his brow to touch it lightly to his. the contact is very light, and very bare, yet the bond between them surges for it, warm and comforting. ]
[ the gesture is warm and familiar, jing yuan's eyes instinctively closing the moment their foreheads touch. almost as if his memories are reawakened and he's once more brought back to those days when their worries revolved around campaigns and trainings, around baijiu that tasted terrible and the lines around yingxing's eyes.
he remembers a question someone asked him months ago on how he's able to determine and confirm if he's imprinted on anyone, something he can now effortlessly respond to. ]
You wouldn't have lost me either way, High Elder.
[ even if dan feng decided to distance himself from jing yuan, he would still gladly go to him should he call out to him. at the end of the day, despite the events that tore their friendship apart, he remains someone he cherishes, someone he deeply respects and admires. ]
.. but knowing you are here, and not seeing you, or speaking with you - well.
[ he's made his point well enough, he thinks, and need not extrapolate further. having jing yuan so close and yet so far after all that has happened.. they both know full well that dan feng has nothing left to return to, after karteria, and so he must take advantage of what they have. he squeezes jing yuan's hands. ]
jing yuan knows what words follow that line of thought, understands it well himself. but something he's learned in the years that he's weathered the challenges and calamities of the luofu is that taking a step back and gazing from the shore often gives him a greater sense of appreciation toward others.
distance is, sometimes, the best cure for heartache, for yearning. ]
A proposition?
[ it's not often dan feng is willing to suggest or recommend, the high elder more inclined to getting his way or the highway. jing yuan, of course, is always willing to listen. ] What is it?
[ wtf so he doesn't appreciate gege close up?? ://// ]
Yes. I find myself outgrowing my current lodgings.
[ it's.. fine, i guess. for a hovel. but it's small, and there's more he would like to explore, including hardwood floors. carpeting is awful. it's also lonely, empty, and while dan feng does not mind living alone, he has had quite enough isolation for one lifetime. ]
I have decent savings, but it would be much easier for me to afford somewhere larger if I were to share the space with another.
[ he squeezes jing yuan's hands again, thumbing over the ridges of his knuckles. ]
the proposition is indeed a surprise, though perhaps this is something he should've expected. dan feng had been used to company, even before the events of the sedition, whether it's the preceptors or the high-cloud quintet. he was only isolated after being condemned for an unpardonable sin.
he also should've expected that his current living quarters are small enough for the former high elder, who has lived in opulence for much of his life. but given their circumstances which cannot afford such luxury, it makes sense that "rooming" with another person would alleviate part of the challenge. ]
Only if you're comfortable living with another person, High Elder.
[ they may be friends, but it's an entirely different situation living together. ]
[ he wants to be rich again!! he misses good tea..
jing yuan's surprise is evident, but that is not shocking, all things considered. after a short separation, with dan feng barging into his home, jing yuan surely could not have expected to be asked to room together. ]
I am comfortable with you.
[ he says, earnestly. much as dan feng does not love to be alone after centuries in isolation, he still would not ask just anyone to share space with him. he is particular about close friendships, but jing yuan is jing yuan. ]
That said, I do not mean to force you. "No" is an acceptable answer.
[ no is indeed an acceptable answer here, but jing yuan's aware that dan feng must've swallowed a great deal his pride to even offer this proposition to him. it's not simply an admission that he's outgrown his lodging and is in need of a bigger one, especially not after the past few weeks of being apart. ]
My answer is not a "no", High Elder.
[ as if jing yuan could ever deny dan feng anything he wanted. he's always supported him, always rallied behind his decisions, reckless as they are, having sacrificed so much throughout the centuries.
he was simply concerned that this might be an uncomfortable situation for dan feng. ]
I only wish to be certain of your comfort living with me.
If I were not comfortable with it, I would not have asked.
[ he says simply, clearly. his reasoning is not entirely false - dan feng does wish to have more space, and knows well that he cannot do it so easily alone, but of course that is not his only motive. keeping jing yuan close is more important still. ]
Then, do you accept?
[ even if he does not - though dan feng suspects that he will - he'll still keep him as close as he is able to, will still never relinquish his hold. even after all of this time, the quintet means everything to him, each and every one of them, no matter what they may think of him in return. ]
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no subject
but jing yuan instinctively takes a step back, knowing that the vidyadhara isn't one to let anyone get in his way once he's made up his mind to doing something. and in this case, that's walking into jing yuan's residence without another word of acknowledgement or even a request for an invitation. then again, it isn't as if he's about to deny him entrance in any way.
jing yuan closes the door behind him, turning to look at his friend. it's a small residence, sparsely but comfortably furnished, enough to get him by with what he's earning from the cafe. ]
Had I known, I would have assured you that I was fine, High Elder ...
[ except for the, well, scarring on his face, but that's beside the point. ]
no subject
Yes, yes. You're always fine, aren't you?
[ dan feng is curious about his little residence, but jing yuan comes first. setting the parcel down on the nearest available surface, dan feng turns to him again, folding his arms in front of him. though their time apart has not been terribly long, dan feng has still missed his face, his gentle eyes that hide a great deal. ]
I've changed my mind. We're acting like fools.
no subject
jing yuan says nothing for a moment, unable to find the words to respond to dan feng's pointed criticism. the man has always seen through him as if he's made of glass, even through the layers of defenses he's placed around him. or is it perhaps these defenses simply fall apart around him, so flimsy in the face of the high elder's stern and uncompromising expression?
he presses his lips together, shifting his gaze away from dan feng. a part of him almost wonders if he'd get away with petulance, but another part of him persuades him not to test it out. ]
It didn't even last a full month, High Elder.
no subject
.. would you rather that I leave and last longer?
[ he says, with a frown, his chin held high. ]
I know that you have wished to avoid me, but I.. can no longer grant that wish for you. I do not have the strength, nor the selflessness.
[ he cares too much for jing yuan, cannot bring himself to waste what time they have together here, when it could be so very brief. dan feng, even now, is perhaps too selfish to let him go. ]
no subject
... That wasn't what I meant.
[ it was dan feng who declared that he would not impose his presence on jing yuan, who decided that they were better off entirely disconnected. and while jing yuan had felt like his heart had just been torn out of his chest a second time, the world's imprinting scheme meddling with what are neatly-bound feelings, he respected the high elder enough to acquiesce to his wishes.
once more, he shifts his eyes, schooling his expression. ]
Nonetheless, it comforts me to see you again, High Elder, circumstances aside. [ his gaze flickers to the vidyadhara's face, sighing. ] Your face ...
no subject
they both do.
so dan feng approaches, though he lifts a hand instinctively to brush his fingertips along the edge of his bandage. ]
It is nothing you need to worry about. I'm healed. I would simply rather it not be seen. It would seem that you suffered the same.
no subject
he softly smiles. ]
An ailment that seems to affect many.
[ he's seen a few natives with their own brand on their cheek before they fled into their own homes, just as ashamed by the writing. it isn't shame that jing yuan keeps his hidden, but the desire not to be asked about it. ]
I'm glad to hear that yours is healed, High Elder.
no subject
[ his cut deep. very deep. it will be some time until the word fades entirely, even with the application of cloudhymn and healing creams. jing yuan's gentle smile makes his chest tighten, and dan feng sighs softly, drawing his hand away to clasp them both together over his abdomen. ]
Jing Yuan, I -
[ he starts, then presses his lips together, a crease in his brow. where to begin? his voice softens. ]
I know that you would prefer to avoid me, but I.. I can no longer accept that. Perhaps I am still as selfish as I have always been, but knowing you are here, yet not seeing you or speaking with you - that's not something that I can endure any longer.
no subject
this may just be the first time he's seen dan feng hesitant, uncertain. the once-high elder had always been proud, a towering symbol of power and authority over the vidyadhara. but here, in front of him, he's pulling away, his words carefully selected and constructed. it pains jing yuan to see him like this, so unlike the dan feng he's known. ]
High Elder.
[ he takes a step closer, his hands hovering close to dan feng's arms but not touching. ]
I could see that my presence hurts you, that you would look at me and an expression of sadness would settle on your face. [ regret, sorrow, despair. ] I didn't want to inflict you further hurt.
no subject
Things have been done that cannot be undone. What I've done has hurt us both in ways that do not easily heal, if ever.
[ to act as if the blow he dealt them all was not devastating would be disingenuous. he will not look away from his sin. ]
There can be no changing that. But being apart from you is far, far more painful than anything your presence could make me feel. There is no torment that the Shackling Prison could inflict that would rival the ache of being apart from my chosen family. From you, Ah Yuan.
[ it's far more candid than dan feng would ever have been all those years ago - he always preferred to show his love, rather than tell - but too much has changed, and so very much is at stake, even now. ]
no subject
and jing yuan didn't simply lose one person that day. death wasn't the only loss he had experienced.
the gnawing yearning that's plagued him for the last few weeks had silenced itself the moment dan feng touched his hands, his warmth felt even through the gloves he wore. his fingers close around him, a little less hesitant than before.
his expression softens, his lips tugging into a slight smile. a slight tease. ]
You shouldn't have said that you wouldn't force your presence on me, then.
no subject
[ he says, slightly testy. he might be humbled, but he's still proud, in his way, and being openly corrected makes him bristle, even when it's jing yuan. but he doesn't release his hold on those hands, only threads their fingers together instead. ]
And it is precisely why I am here, after all. To rectify that misstep.
[ a soft sigh passes his lips, and dan feng shakes his head. ]
You are too dear for me to give up, even for your own well being.
no subject
he gently squeezes his hands, fingers curling into the back of dan feng's palms. ]
What of your own well being, High Elder?
[ if his presence causes him so much pain, if seeing him forces him to relive painful memories, then jing yuan prefers otherwise. dan feng, too, is very precious and dear to him that he would rather not let his beloved friend suffer. ]
If my presence pains you so ...
no subject
content, until jing yuan continues speaking, at least. ]
Your absence is more painful still, Ah Yuan.
[ dan feng's eyes meet jing yuan's, and he steps in nearer, tipping his brow to touch it lightly to his. the contact is very light, and very bare, yet the bond between them surges for it, warm and comforting. ]
I will not lose you again. I cannot.
no subject
he remembers a question someone asked him months ago on how he's able to determine and confirm if he's imprinted on anyone, something he can now effortlessly respond to. ]
You wouldn't have lost me either way, High Elder.
[ even if dan feng decided to distance himself from jing yuan, he would still gladly go to him should he call out to him. at the end of the day, despite the events that tore their friendship apart, he remains someone he cherishes, someone he deeply respects and admires. ]
You are still, first and foremost, my friend.
no subject
[ dan feng smiles thinly, ruefully. ]
.. but knowing you are here, and not seeing you, or speaking with you - well.
[ he's made his point well enough, he thinks, and need not extrapolate further. having jing yuan so close and yet so far after all that has happened.. they both know full well that dan feng has nothing left to return to, after karteria, and so he must take advantage of what they have. he squeezes jing yuan's hands. ]
I have a proposition for you.
no subject
jing yuan knows what words follow that line of thought, understands it well himself. but something he's learned in the years that he's weathered the challenges and calamities of the luofu is that taking a step back and gazing from the shore often gives him a greater sense of appreciation toward others.
distance is, sometimes, the best cure for heartache, for yearning. ]
A proposition?
[ it's not often dan feng is willing to suggest or recommend, the high elder more inclined to getting his way or the highway. jing yuan, of course, is always willing to listen. ] What is it?
no subject
Yes. I find myself outgrowing my current lodgings.
[ it's.. fine, i guess. for a hovel. but it's small, and there's more he would like to explore, including hardwood floors. carpeting is awful. it's also lonely, empty, and while dan feng does not mind living alone, he has had quite enough isolation for one lifetime. ]
I have decent savings, but it would be much easier for me to afford somewhere larger if I were to share the space with another.
[ he squeezes jing yuan's hands again, thumbing over the ridges of his knuckles. ]
no subject
the proposition is indeed a surprise, though perhaps this is something he should've expected. dan feng had been used to company, even before the events of the sedition, whether it's the preceptors or the high-cloud quintet. he was only isolated after being condemned for an unpardonable sin.
he also should've expected that his current living quarters are small enough for the former high elder, who has lived in opulence for much of his life. but given their circumstances which cannot afford such luxury, it makes sense that "rooming" with another person would alleviate part of the challenge. ]
Only if you're comfortable living with another person, High Elder.
[ they may be friends, but it's an entirely different situation living together. ]
no subject
jing yuan's surprise is evident, but that is not shocking, all things considered. after a short separation, with dan feng barging into his home, jing yuan surely could not have expected to be asked to room together. ]
I am comfortable with you.
[ he says, earnestly. much as dan feng does not love to be alone after centuries in isolation, he still would not ask just anyone to share space with him. he is particular about close friendships, but jing yuan is jing yuan. ]
That said, I do not mean to force you. "No" is an acceptable answer.
no subject
My answer is not a "no", High Elder.
[ as if jing yuan could ever deny dan feng anything he wanted. he's always supported him, always rallied behind his decisions, reckless as they are, having sacrificed so much throughout the centuries.
he was simply concerned that this might be an uncomfortable situation for dan feng. ]
I only wish to be certain of your comfort living with me.
no subject
[ he says simply, clearly. his reasoning is not entirely false - dan feng does wish to have more space, and knows well that he cannot do it so easily alone, but of course that is not his only motive. keeping jing yuan close is more important still. ]
Then, do you accept?
[ even if he does not - though dan feng suspects that he will - he'll still keep him as close as he is able to, will still never relinquish his hold. even after all of this time, the quintet means everything to him, each and every one of them, no matter what they may think of him in return. ]